Children Are A Blessing, Even When Life Is Difficult
Little girl was having a really hard time taking a nap this afternoon. She recently turned 2, but still must have the right amount and pitch of noise, the right amount of time rocking and nursing, and, you know, the stars aligned at just the right angle in order to sleep. So, after an hour of nursing and holding and putting her in her bed 3 times, just for her to wake and start over again, I decided we’d go for a drive. She still doesn’t sleep well at night at all and if she doesn’t get a nap, she’ll be up half the night. No exaggeration.
Also, background for today: Yesterday we had an appointment with a child development specialist because little girl is behind on her speech and we discussed how she is still very dependent on me for everything and is comfort nursing like a newborn and not sleeping, etc., so the frustration and helpless feelings I have are very present today.
So, here I am feeling sorry for myself because I have a 2 year old that doesn’t sleep and I’m beyond exhausted. She is so clingy that I have to hold her and do most of my chores with one hand so I’m frustrated, and she’s behind in speech and social skills so I’m feeling a bit of a failure as a mother in those areas. So we drive. She does go to sleep for a bit so I drive and drive and end up at the city cemetery outside of town. I of course visit my grandma and great-grandma and reminisce a bit about how things used to be and how happy I was as a child when I got to visit my grandmas, which happened quite frequently because we all lived in the same town. I happen to glance across the way just a bit and notice a new grave. One that is covered in toys, flowers, and solar garden statues. A short grave. One that would light up at night. One that I had to find out more about so I pull up close and get out of the van.
It was what I knew in my heart already: A baby that had lived just a little over a year on this earth. I could practically hear God’s words speak to me: Be grateful for your children. They are a blessing, even when it’s hard. Even when it’s tough and you’re just making it through 1 day at a time. Even when you don’t know what’s going to happen in the future with them. Be thankful and enjoy them.
Ouch.
And then the tears came. I cried them for the parents whose hearts have to be broken in a way that will never truly mend. I cried them in repentance for my attitude just 5 minutes before. As I climbed back in the van that held my sleeping toddler in the backseat, I prayed out loud for this child’s parents and family to feel God’s presence and for Him to bring them peace. Seriously, it takes strong, special people to give back to God what was His greatest blessing to them. But that strength must come from God because, as a mother, I know I couldn’t do it on my own.
So now, as I sit in my driveway waiting for the princess to wake up, what do I do with this change of perspective? The little things I spend half the day worrying about: supper, laundry, dishes, what kind of toy will be the best educationally for a birthday present, etc. etc. etc. Is that what God wanted from our lives, from our days between the dash on our headstones? There’s got to be more. More memories and messes made than chores and daily tasks. More kisses and hugs and less worries about stuff that’s not eternal. It’s hard for this anal momma to get, but with the nudges from my Father, I’m working on it.
