List of 10 Things I Say To My Kids and What I Really Mean

1. “Pick up your toys!”
(I’m getting tired of stepping on Barbie shoes and Legos and they sound horrible enough for you to notice when I suck them up in the vacuum cleaner.)

2. “Quit antagonizing your brother/sister!”
(The fighting back and forth is like listening to nails on the chalkboard. I seriously can feel my blood pressure rise when I hear you two fighting)
On another note, yes, they do know what antagonizing means; They both have a very large vocabulary, but also are skilled in selective listening.

3. “This house looks like a tornado hit it.”
(For the sake of my sanity, please pick up your toys. If someone knocks on the door now, they will never view me the same.)

4. “I feel like we’re raising future hoarders in this house.”
(Really, you never want to get rid of or throw away ANYTHING. I have to smuggle broken toys and crayons out when you’re not looking and bury them deep in the outside trash to keep our house from being on the next episode of Hoarders.)

5. “When you get older you’re going to wish you were nicer to your brother/sister.”
(My sister and I are very good friends and I don’t know what I’d do without her. I want you to have the same kind of relationship because the world’s a tough place and you deserve to have someone to depend on when Daddy and I are gone. Also, see number 2 about the nails on the chalkboard.)

6. “You are not a baby anymore.”
(I wish you could do more for yourself, but the reason you don’t is because I baby you so much because you’re probably my last child.)

7. “We could feed another child with the vegetables we throw out everyday.”
(I want you to be healthy and, really, sometimes I feel like we really could feed another child, especially if they liked veggies.)

8. “Please, can I have just 5 minutes to myself?”
(Mommy is on the verge of a meltdown where I may start screaming and I really don’t want that to happen. I love being with you, but it’s hard to have a complete thought when I am in a pretend universe all the time playing dollies and Tinker Toys . I feel like Mommy may have adult onset ADHD because my mind is in 5 different places at any given moment. By the way, what would I do with those 5 minutes alone? See number 9.)

9. “I just want to pee without hearing someone say “Mommy” from the other side of the bathroom door.”
(Pretty self explanatory. I haven’t hardly peed by myself in over 11 years.)

10. “I love you, Sweetie.”
(You are probably the only people in the world that I love more than life itself and would die for in a heartbeat. I will do anything, be anything, and give anything for you. Nothing could ever keep me from trying to protect you and I hope I never go a day without getting to tell you how much I love you, even when you’re too old to want to be called “Sweetie”.)